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When I thought about being a mom before actually being one, there were lots of dreams of snuggles, late night feedings, crafts, spankings, heart shaped pancakes, one-on-one dates, first words and lots of other firsts, and college tuition in my daydreams. When I got closer to motherhood I would dream a lot about what it would be like to be a mama.
Today was not one of those days that I thought motherhood would be like.
The minute Liam wakes up, he makes it pretty clear what kind of mood he'll be in for the day. This morning was a combination of sweet kisses and nasty, "throw yourself on the ground" tantrums. Really, it could go either way. Lucky for me, I was on my way out the door for work so I didn't have to find out what kind of mood was going to emerge. #luckyhusband
We decided I needed new glasses and I had been putting it off long enough. My right eye has been acting up lately, largely due to the weather change, and the glasses I have been wearing since my freshman year of high school just weren't cutting it anymore. Plus my prescription had changed so it was definitely time. Since my brother-in-law is coming into town this afternoon we decided to go on my lunch break to Target Optical. I met husband there, picked up a few needed items and we made our way to the optical center.
When Liam's toes hit the showroom floor he became a new human being. He became fussy and started throwing himself on the ground in protest. The optometrist was so sweet and let him color at a separate table. She found some paper and a pen and sat him down, ever so nicely. As I tried on frame after frame, I turned to see Liam coloring the ENTIRE back of the chair he was sitting on. Husband seemed to notice at the same time and our eyes met. We both silently screamed to each other, "WHAT IS OUR CHILD DOING?" Liam, on the other hand, was not silently screaming. He was now full fledged screaming at the top of his lungs.
Husband grabs him quickly, does the very silent, very stern command (the most scary) and they leave to wander around while I finish up. Meanwhile as I continue to find a pair that actually looks good on my huge head, I hear my child from 50 feet away, strongly disagreeing with whatever his father is telling him. Never in my dreams did I imagine my child to behave this way. This is not what I pictured.
I pay the lady, who is telling me ever so sweetly how smart her own two kids are, that maybe private school might be the best option for my child who is not yet two and I'm just praying this will be over soon.
Finally done, I follow the sound of my screaming child and find my husband standing in the Electronics Department, more furious and disappointed than I've ever seen him. My son, eyes full of tears and red from exhaustion, reaches for me. I carry him to the parking lot, feeding him my lunch I brought myself for the day.
Did I imagine motherhood like this? No. Yes, I knew there would be timeouts and spankings in my future, but I never thought about the experience that LED to them.
Even then, in my most embarrassed and angry moment, never did I love him more. Yes, I was disappointed but oh, the love that I have for that little boy. He challenges me in unthinkable ways and I'm ever grateful for that.
Thankful for brand new days and unconditional love.
***My apologies to the Frisco Target. I won't be showing my face there for a while, you can bet on that.