i kinda thought i might be. before, you know, actually knowing i was. the signs were there but i had a trip to vegas with my bestie coming up and thought i would just forget about it until after i came back. i didn't really think anything of it and neither did thomas. we've had "scares" before, afterall. that morning, we couldn't find the tests. we looked everywhere but they were in serious hiding. no matter, thomas rode his bike off to school only to return a few short minutes needing air in his tires. while looking for the pump, he found the tests. (i swear, husband will put things in the most random places and can be the most infuriating thing) he threw one at me and said, "hey, take this!" ha. i did. deep in conversation, forgetting that 15 minutes had passed, thomas goes to check the test.
"oh. my. goodness."
"what?"
"it's positive. it's really positive."
my feet suddenly went numb and for some reason, thought i should reassure him, " it may not be true!"
minutes pass in silence.
thomas sits on the ground, "we really need to start buying diapers already."
the numbness never really returned but i was filled with such excitement and nervousness and "can this really be happening" feelings. we needed to tell someone. to do something. later that night we went to jen's house to tell her the news and find out about good doctor recommendations in fresno. mostly though, i just needed to tell someone!
days passed and i was still in shock. i still don't think i've gotten rid of the shock. family members shared in our joy--jokes about having triplets tossed around, "i knew it" responses, parents so elated for another grandbaby.
our first doctor's appointment-- i've remained relatively calm through this process. thomas, though? thomas has had his moments of panic. this first appointment was one of them. it was a lot of information for a first time daddy. my blood pressure was taken and then, "you're due april 10 and 7 weeks along" was quickly thrown at us and thus another moment of panic for daddy. it was all happening so fast.
and then we were silent. a hard secret to keep from so many people. weeks went by.
and then our second doctor's appointment--nerves have settled down and the "holy cow, we're becoming parents" feelings have gone from panic to pure elation. a cold feeling on my belly, and then just like that baby jacobs popped up on the monitor. there's nothing like that sight. nothing. a tiniest being that we created, loving every second in mama's belly. baby seemed so mobile and peaceful, all in one. we both stared for a while, not saying anything and then suddenly, quick patters of the heart rang through my ears. my baby's heart. tiny tears started falling down my cheeks. it was incredible.
and so here we are. 10 weeks and a few days along.
for a man who once panicked, you wouldn't know it now. he makes sure i'm taking care of my body and baby, getting me whatever i may need. daily belly rubs and kisses and talks of dreams we have for baby. it's been such a beautiful couple weeks together. despite raging hormones, i think i've kept it together pretty well. to others, the only thought might be "lay off the ice cream cones."
there's much to figure out, but this baby has me seeing life more fully, more beautifully. everything has changed in the best way possible.
april can't come fast enough.